Causes of Conflict

I sometimes stop, right in the middle of an argument, and wonder to myself why there's a conflict between me and the other person. It doesn't really happen very often. Like most people, once I've gone into argument mode I get committed to making my points; and in my head little else matters. But once in a while, I do manage to maintain the presence of mind that allows me to ask this question, "What is the cause of this conflict?"

On the rare occasion that I ask that question, it is even more rare that I come up with any kind of immediate answer. It's usually in the reflection that occurs later that I begin to formulate any real answer. And that's too bad, because if I could answer that question before the argument starts, I might be able to approach the confrontation with something other than an attitude of anger, frustration, hostility, etc. The discouraging thought that comes to me, as I write this, is that I'm a guy that has learned how to "do it right", when it comes to dealing with conflict. Yet, so often, I still get it wrong.

Now that I have made my confession, I can press on. My goal in this post is to communicate the root causes for a majority of the conflicts that occur. There's only three basic reasons that drive a majority of the conflicts...

1. Differences in Beliefs

The differences in beliefs is the most primal cause of conflicts. Humans invest a lot of time, energy, money and emotional health, into their beliefs. We often feel defined by what we believe. Anything that challenges those beliefs is a challenge to who we are. Asking us to re-examine our beliefs, or pushing us to change what we believe, is a great recipe for conflict. The conflicts that arise from these differences are usually the most difficult to overcome; and are often candidates for a true "agree to disagree" resolution.

2. Differences in Goals

It isn't uncommon to find people that hold the same beliefs, but yet still are constantly at odds with each other. One reason for this is that even though they believe the same things, they have different goals that they are trying to reach. This situation is often found in organizations where the underlying principles are well established, but the vision for sustaining those principles is in question. For example, in my regular job, I sometimes find myself at odds with some of the goals presented by my direct manager. We both believe in similar ideals for the company, but we also each believe that it is our duty to "safeguard" a vision that we consider essential to the company. Early on, these differences in goals meant that there was a lot of conflict in our working relationship. The good thing is that, over time, we've gotten to the point where we can recognize the importance of each other's goals.
That said, because people's goals are often extensions of their beliefs, it can still be a daunting task to resolve conflicts that come from these differences.

3. Differences in Plans

Even when we agree in our basic beliefs, and in the goals that we are trying to reach, there is still room for conflict. Our final basic cause is one that seems to occur with greater frequency, but usually with less severe consequences...

"The question isn't whether you believe the same things that I do, because we both know that we believe 'x'.
And it's not a matter of what our goals are. We have the same goal in mind.
But wait! You want to take care of the tasks in what order!?! Are you nuts?"

Maybe that last line varies in the language and attitude, but the intent is still the same. You have a plan, and the other guy is trying to prevent you from reaching the goal by proposing his own plan. The good news is that in many cases this kind of dispute is the easiest to resolve. It's compromising over some aspect of the plan, and not trying to change beliefs or overthrow goals.

Conclusion

Going back to my opening remark, in which I ask the question "What is the cause of this conflict?" The answer is more important than we often realize. Because if we can answer that question then we immediately have a better handle on just how big (and how hard to resolve) the conflict really is. Oh, and please, don't think that these are the only causes of conflict. They're just the things that are found at the root of a majority of conflicts. Sometimes conflicts occur because the other guy is just a jerk. We'll cover that in a later post.

A Passion for Peace

Up to this point, I have focused on various aspects of conflict management. In this post, I would like to talk a little bit about what is my real desire to see happen. Namely, I would like to see people have a real peace.

What is real peace? Many think of peace as a state where you don't see any confrontations taking place. Others consider real peace to mean that there are no disagreements, arguments, or fighting. The problem is that those all talk about peace in terms of removing things from you, and your view of the world. If real peace is something that you can have then it must be something that you can gain. So, how can we define real peace in terms of something that we can gain?

Real peace is something that you gain when you...

• Can sit in a room full of people, without feeling like you have to say something or feeling the need to distract yourself with technology
• Realize that you aren't the fulcrum upon which the world balances
• Are able to absorb an individual's statements completely, before responding appropriately
• Can admit to and understand your weaknesses
• Can humbly acknowledge your strengths
• Know who you are

When you have real peace, a natural consequence is that you are better equipped to handle the disagreements, and confrontations. Real peace allows you to see points of conflict as opportunities to learn. When the confrontations are over, and the conflict is resolved, hopefully you will have gained more peace, learned more about yourself; and best of all, perhaps you will have discovered something new regarding the individuals in conflict?

When to Walk Away

Welcome back! It's been a couple of weeks since my last posting. There were a couple of reasons for the delay between postings. One reason is that I have been battling a wicked double-sinus infection. I still only feel like I'm at about 90% health, so that fight goes on.

The other reason is that I had an incident that I wanted to write about, but I needed some time to step back from it. One of the things that has always seemed a little "strange" about my desire to be a peacemaker is that I spent a portion of my life seeking almost anything other than peace. I wasn't overtly violent, but I was certainly willing to jump into a conflict. And if there wasn't a conflict handy enough, I wouldn't hesitate to create one on my own. But that was the "old me". For the past 15+ years, I have truly made an effort to be less contentious.

A couple of weeks ago, however, I saw that old part of me rear its ugly head. Not the part that went looking for trouble, but the part of me that was willing to "burn down" relationships because of what I perceived as an insult to my character. The terrible irony, of course, is that I probably did more to injure my character in those two minutes of rage than would have ever been done by the comments that had been made. And that brings me to the point of this posting...

Sometimes, the best thing we can do during a confrontation is walk away.
That's right, sometimes "in the heat of the moment", it's not just okay to walk away. It is the best thing to do. Unfortunately, it's all too easy for us to get caught up in defending our position in an argument; or to feel like if we press our position just a bit more the other side will give in. When our emotions start to get away from us, or when it becomes more about our pride (instead of the situation), then we should take a time-out and walk away. Nothing is gained by losing control of your temper, and often much more than your temper is lost.

Fortunately, in my case, the people involved were gracious enough to not hold my outburst against me. But we shouldn't put ourselves in the position of relying upon the grace of others when it comes to having an encounter that doesn't "go our way". Learn your own warning signs to an impending outburst and then be willing to just walk away.