Stormy Weather

The weather here in eastern Kansas has been pretty stormy the past few days. The mornings have been nice enough, but by mid-afternoon the clouds start to build up and soon we're hearing the storm warnings.

You may be wondering what this has to do with conflict management.
After all, you did come here expecting to read about it. So here's the thing; relationships are kind of like the springtime weather in eastern Kansas. Lots of times they start out great. You know, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, and everything feels fresh. And just like some spring days start out with rain, some relationships start out less than ideal. But regardless of how it starts, in every relationship there eventually comes a time where there are storms.

Moving on with the weather analogy, I could launch into a long, and detailed, explanation of how during the spring months the great plains becomes a demolition derby arena for cool dry air masses from the north, and warm moist air masses from the south. But instead, I'll just say the result of these two masses colliding is often spectacular and/or devastating.

Again, how does this relate to conflict management?
To start, try thinking about how, within a conflict situation, your feelings are like one of these air masses. It doesn't really matter whether you associate more with the cool dry air, or the warm moist air. Add to that the idea that whichever air mass you are, the other party to the conflict has feelings that are associated with the opposite kind of air mass.

Jumping back to our weather analogy, the later into the day it is when the two air masses collide, the more devastating the results are. This happens because each of those masses grows larger, and builds up energy during the day. However, if the collision between air masses happens earlier the result is more likely to be a somewhat pleasant rain shower. When we try to delay, or avoid, a confrontation it is like waiting until later in the day for the collision of those air masses. Each side of the conflict builds up more emotion and determination that the direction they are headed is the "right" direction. The longer we wait to confront the situation (and the other party), the more likely our meeting will be like a tornado.

How do confrontations go for you?
Do you wait until you're faced with a tornado? Or do you confront the other party earlier, looking for a more pleasant outcome?

The Importance of Recognizing Conflict

The title of this entry is "The Importance of Recognizing Conflict." It's probably not something that keeps you up at night. Frankly, I can't remember laying in bed thinking about how important it is; at least not until last night. Okay, not really. In reality, I believe that our ability to recognize conflict is one of the most key aspects to managing it. Here's why...

• Conflict is a natural consequence of being with people
  If you work with, live with, love, hate, in any kind of relationship with, anyone...there will be conflicts. You might think that you can avoid the conflicts by just being the most sweet, agreeable and lovable person ever. And that may prevent some confrontations, but it won't stop the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment. In other words, an unwillingness to recognize conflict won't keep it from existing.
• Conflict is neither good, nor bad
  I know that our society treats conflict as some kind of social ill. But the gut wrenching truth is that our failure to recognize and deal with conflict does much more damage in the long run. As I said earlier, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment don't just go away. Instead they build up, until eventually it does real harm. Real harm, like...

  • School and workplace shootings
  • Abused children and spouses
  • broken homes, marriages and people

  All because we've allowed ourselves to persuaded to believe that it is the conflict that is bad.

Recognizing conflict is important because until we can see the conflicts around us, and until we are willing to acknowledge that they are there, we cannot hope to to manage them successfully.

A brief note about this post...
The first time I started to write this entry, something didn't feel quite right. I knew the topic I wanted to cover, and I thought I knew what I wanted to say. But what I wrote seemed to stiff. So, I left it to sit overnight. This morning, I woke up knowing what was making me feel so uneasy... I've been writing these entries like I was lecturing to a class. I've been trying too hard. I've been so wrapped up in using just the right words, or formatting the text in just the right way, that I've left out my passion for helping people be better managers of conflict.

I've rewritten every aspect of this entry, except the title. I hope that in my desire to help you understand the idea of this entry, I've not alienated anyone by not "saying it just right". And with that, here we go...

Recognizing Conflict

In my first post, we looked at defining conflict. We explored the idea that conflict was not confined to the time when parties are in confrontation, and that it has often been occurring well before a crisis point is reached. If that is the case then why doesn't the encounter happen sooner?

There are two aspects to recognizing conflict. The first aspect is awareness. Simply put, we aren't always aware that we are in a conflict. Some people are more socially aware, and are naturally adept at spotting the conflicts that involve them. Others are not as aware and will not see the conflict until someone points it out to them.

The second aspect of recognizing conflict is admitting that it exists. Too many times, we will deny an issue exists, in the hope that we can avoid having a confrontation. We've all avoided someone because we didn't want to talk about a disagreement that exists. And most of us have "given in" to someone, just so we didn't have to speak up about our own ideas, thoughts, or beliefs. When we refuse to engage in confrontation, we are refusing to recognize the conflict.

So, how do we recognize conflict? For the first aspect, the answer lies in making sure that you are truly listening to what other people are saying. This doesn't mean that you become overly sensitive. It does mean that you use "active listening" techniques. For example...

• Put your cell phone down. Quit texting and looking at cat videos.
• Watch the person that is talking. What subtle cues might you pick up from their body language?
• Listen to the tone of their voice. How does the inflection of their voice change when they talk about certain topics?

As for the second aspect, the best thing you can do is to quit denying that conflict exists. Conflict that is denied often becomes a growing problem, not something that goes away.

Why is it important that we recognize conflict? That will be the topic of next week's post!