Causes of Conflict

I sometimes stop, right in the middle of an argument, and wonder to myself why there's a conflict between me and the other person. It doesn't really happen very often. Like most people, once I've gone into argument mode I get committed to making my points; and in my head little else matters. But once in a while, I do manage to maintain the presence of mind that allows me to ask this question, "What is the cause of this conflict?"

On the rare occasion that I ask that question, it is even more rare that I come up with any kind of immediate answer. It's usually in the reflection that occurs later that I begin to formulate any real answer. And that's too bad, because if I could answer that question before the argument starts, I might be able to approach the confrontation with something other than an attitude of anger, frustration, hostility, etc. The discouraging thought that comes to me, as I write this, is that I'm a guy that has learned how to "do it right", when it comes to dealing with conflict. Yet, so often, I still get it wrong.

Now that I have made my confession, I can press on. My goal in this post is to communicate the root causes for a majority of the conflicts that occur. There's only three basic reasons that drive a majority of the conflicts...

1. Differences in Beliefs

The differences in beliefs is the most primal cause of conflicts. Humans invest a lot of time, energy, money and emotional health, into their beliefs. We often feel defined by what we believe. Anything that challenges those beliefs is a challenge to who we are. Asking us to re-examine our beliefs, or pushing us to change what we believe, is a great recipe for conflict. The conflicts that arise from these differences are usually the most difficult to overcome; and are often candidates for a true "agree to disagree" resolution.

2. Differences in Goals

It isn't uncommon to find people that hold the same beliefs, but yet still are constantly at odds with each other. One reason for this is that even though they believe the same things, they have different goals that they are trying to reach. This situation is often found in organizations where the underlying principles are well established, but the vision for sustaining those principles is in question. For example, in my regular job, I sometimes find myself at odds with some of the goals presented by my direct manager. We both believe in similar ideals for the company, but we also each believe that it is our duty to "safeguard" a vision that we consider essential to the company. Early on, these differences in goals meant that there was a lot of conflict in our working relationship. The good thing is that, over time, we've gotten to the point where we can recognize the importance of each other's goals.
That said, because people's goals are often extensions of their beliefs, it can still be a daunting task to resolve conflicts that come from these differences.

3. Differences in Plans

Even when we agree in our basic beliefs, and in the goals that we are trying to reach, there is still room for conflict. Our final basic cause is one that seems to occur with greater frequency, but usually with less severe consequences...

"The question isn't whether you believe the same things that I do, because we both know that we believe 'x'.
And it's not a matter of what our goals are. We have the same goal in mind.
But wait! You want to take care of the tasks in what order!?! Are you nuts?"

Maybe that last line varies in the language and attitude, but the intent is still the same. You have a plan, and the other guy is trying to prevent you from reaching the goal by proposing his own plan. The good news is that in many cases this kind of dispute is the easiest to resolve. It's compromising over some aspect of the plan, and not trying to change beliefs or overthrow goals.

Conclusion

Going back to my opening remark, in which I ask the question "What is the cause of this conflict?" The answer is more important than we often realize. Because if we can answer that question then we immediately have a better handle on just how big (and how hard to resolve) the conflict really is. Oh, and please, don't think that these are the only causes of conflict. They're just the things that are found at the root of a majority of conflicts. Sometimes conflicts occur because the other guy is just a jerk. We'll cover that in a later post.