Peacemaker vs Peacekeeper

What's the difference between these two types? On the surface, it would seem that both are all about bringing peace to a volatile situation. But in reality, and approach, the two concepts are quite distinct.

The Peacekeeper

The name "Peacekeeper" implies that there is already a state of peace. But for a true state of peace to exist, there needs to have been a resolution to the conflicts that exists between parties. The United Nations employs troops from several different countries to act as peacekeepers. However, the situations in which the troops find themselves is not one where a resolution has been found, and a peace has been achieved. Instead, the troops are often used to impose a sort of peace.

The problem with this sort of peace is that because the conflicts weren't resolved prior to the troops showing up, the anger, resentment and frustration from the unresolved conflict continues to build up. Eventually, those feelings to reach a boiling point and the parties turn on the supposed peacekeepers. At that point, the peacekeepers are no longer separate from the conflict. The peacekeepers have now become a party to the conflict, and the situation grows worse for everyone involved.

The Peacemaker

As opposed to the peacekeeper, the peacemaker acknowledges the conflict that exists. The peacemaker realizes that avoiding the confrontation needed to resolve a conflict, does not make the conflict go away. While a peacemaker doesn't like confrontation any more than other people, s/he recognizes the value of finding a resolution to the conflict.

Resolving a conflict, by engaging all of the parties, is necessary if a lasting peace is to be found. But beyond just helping people resolve today's conflicts, the peacemaker should also teach those same people how to find resolutions to other, possibly future, conflicts.

Conclusion

While I believe that the best solution is for there to be more peacemakers, I also recognize the need for peacekeepers. However, if we can all be better peacemakers then maybe someday the need for peacekeepers will go away.

Causes of Conflict

I sometimes stop, right in the middle of an argument, and wonder to myself why there's a conflict between me and the other person. It doesn't really happen very often. Like most people, once I've gone into argument mode I get committed to making my points; and in my head little else matters. But once in a while, I do manage to maintain the presence of mind that allows me to ask this question, "What is the cause of this conflict?"

On the rare occasion that I ask that question, it is even more rare that I come up with any kind of immediate answer. It's usually in the reflection that occurs later that I begin to formulate any real answer. And that's too bad, because if I could answer that question before the argument starts, I might be able to approach the confrontation with something other than an attitude of anger, frustration, hostility, etc. The discouraging thought that comes to me, as I write this, is that I'm a guy that has learned how to "do it right", when it comes to dealing with conflict. Yet, so often, I still get it wrong.

Now that I have made my confession, I can press on. My goal in this post is to communicate the root causes for a majority of the conflicts that occur. There's only three basic reasons that drive a majority of the conflicts...

1. Differences in Beliefs

The differences in beliefs is the most primal cause of conflicts. Humans invest a lot of time, energy, money and emotional health, into their beliefs. We often feel defined by what we believe. Anything that challenges those beliefs is a challenge to who we are. Asking us to re-examine our beliefs, or pushing us to change what we believe, is a great recipe for conflict. The conflicts that arise from these differences are usually the most difficult to overcome; and are often candidates for a true "agree to disagree" resolution.

2. Differences in Goals

It isn't uncommon to find people that hold the same beliefs, but yet still are constantly at odds with each other. One reason for this is that even though they believe the same things, they have different goals that they are trying to reach. This situation is often found in organizations where the underlying principles are well established, but the vision for sustaining those principles is in question. For example, in my regular job, I sometimes find myself at odds with some of the goals presented by my direct manager. We both believe in similar ideals for the company, but we also each believe that it is our duty to "safeguard" a vision that we consider essential to the company. Early on, these differences in goals meant that there was a lot of conflict in our working relationship. The good thing is that, over time, we've gotten to the point where we can recognize the importance of each other's goals.
That said, because people's goals are often extensions of their beliefs, it can still be a daunting task to resolve conflicts that come from these differences.

3. Differences in Plans

Even when we agree in our basic beliefs, and in the goals that we are trying to reach, there is still room for conflict. Our final basic cause is one that seems to occur with greater frequency, but usually with less severe consequences...

"The question isn't whether you believe the same things that I do, because we both know that we believe 'x'.
And it's not a matter of what our goals are. We have the same goal in mind.
But wait! You want to take care of the tasks in what order!?! Are you nuts?"

Maybe that last line varies in the language and attitude, but the intent is still the same. You have a plan, and the other guy is trying to prevent you from reaching the goal by proposing his own plan. The good news is that in many cases this kind of dispute is the easiest to resolve. It's compromising over some aspect of the plan, and not trying to change beliefs or overthrow goals.

Conclusion

Going back to my opening remark, in which I ask the question "What is the cause of this conflict?" The answer is more important than we often realize. Because if we can answer that question then we immediately have a better handle on just how big (and how hard to resolve) the conflict really is. Oh, and please, don't think that these are the only causes of conflict. They're just the things that are found at the root of a majority of conflicts. Sometimes conflicts occur because the other guy is just a jerk. We'll cover that in a later post.

A Passion for Peace

Up to this point, I have focused on various aspects of conflict management. In this post, I would like to talk a little bit about what is my real desire to see happen. Namely, I would like to see people have a real peace.

What is real peace? Many think of peace as a state where you don't see any confrontations taking place. Others consider real peace to mean that there are no disagreements, arguments, or fighting. The problem is that those all talk about peace in terms of removing things from you, and your view of the world. If real peace is something that you can have then it must be something that you can gain. So, how can we define real peace in terms of something that we can gain?

Real peace is something that you gain when you...

• Can sit in a room full of people, without feeling like you have to say something or feeling the need to distract yourself with technology
• Realize that you aren't the fulcrum upon which the world balances
• Are able to absorb an individual's statements completely, before responding appropriately
• Can admit to and understand your weaknesses
• Can humbly acknowledge your strengths
• Know who you are

When you have real peace, a natural consequence is that you are better equipped to handle the disagreements, and confrontations. Real peace allows you to see points of conflict as opportunities to learn. When the confrontations are over, and the conflict is resolved, hopefully you will have gained more peace, learned more about yourself; and best of all, perhaps you will have discovered something new regarding the individuals in conflict?

When to Walk Away

Welcome back! It's been a couple of weeks since my last posting. There were a couple of reasons for the delay between postings. One reason is that I have been battling a wicked double-sinus infection. I still only feel like I'm at about 90% health, so that fight goes on.

The other reason is that I had an incident that I wanted to write about, but I needed some time to step back from it. One of the things that has always seemed a little "strange" about my desire to be a peacemaker is that I spent a portion of my life seeking almost anything other than peace. I wasn't overtly violent, but I was certainly willing to jump into a conflict. And if there wasn't a conflict handy enough, I wouldn't hesitate to create one on my own. But that was the "old me". For the past 15+ years, I have truly made an effort to be less contentious.

A couple of weeks ago, however, I saw that old part of me rear its ugly head. Not the part that went looking for trouble, but the part of me that was willing to "burn down" relationships because of what I perceived as an insult to my character. The terrible irony, of course, is that I probably did more to injure my character in those two minutes of rage than would have ever been done by the comments that had been made. And that brings me to the point of this posting...

Sometimes, the best thing we can do during a confrontation is walk away.
That's right, sometimes "in the heat of the moment", it's not just okay to walk away. It is the best thing to do. Unfortunately, it's all too easy for us to get caught up in defending our position in an argument; or to feel like if we press our position just a bit more the other side will give in. When our emotions start to get away from us, or when it becomes more about our pride (instead of the situation), then we should take a time-out and walk away. Nothing is gained by losing control of your temper, and often much more than your temper is lost.

Fortunately, in my case, the people involved were gracious enough to not hold my outburst against me. But we shouldn't put ourselves in the position of relying upon the grace of others when it comes to having an encounter that doesn't "go our way". Learn your own warning signs to an impending outburst and then be willing to just walk away.

Stormy Weather

The weather here in eastern Kansas has been pretty stormy the past few days. The mornings have been nice enough, but by mid-afternoon the clouds start to build up and soon we're hearing the storm warnings.

You may be wondering what this has to do with conflict management.
After all, you did come here expecting to read about it. So here's the thing; relationships are kind of like the springtime weather in eastern Kansas. Lots of times they start out great. You know, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, and everything feels fresh. And just like some spring days start out with rain, some relationships start out less than ideal. But regardless of how it starts, in every relationship there eventually comes a time where there are storms.

Moving on with the weather analogy, I could launch into a long, and detailed, explanation of how during the spring months the great plains becomes a demolition derby arena for cool dry air masses from the north, and warm moist air masses from the south. But instead, I'll just say the result of these two masses colliding is often spectacular and/or devastating.

Again, how does this relate to conflict management?
To start, try thinking about how, within a conflict situation, your feelings are like one of these air masses. It doesn't really matter whether you associate more with the cool dry air, or the warm moist air. Add to that the idea that whichever air mass you are, the other party to the conflict has feelings that are associated with the opposite kind of air mass.

Jumping back to our weather analogy, the later into the day it is when the two air masses collide, the more devastating the results are. This happens because each of those masses grows larger, and builds up energy during the day. However, if the collision between air masses happens earlier the result is more likely to be a somewhat pleasant rain shower. When we try to delay, or avoid, a confrontation it is like waiting until later in the day for the collision of those air masses. Each side of the conflict builds up more emotion and determination that the direction they are headed is the "right" direction. The longer we wait to confront the situation (and the other party), the more likely our meeting will be like a tornado.

How do confrontations go for you?
Do you wait until you're faced with a tornado? Or do you confront the other party earlier, looking for a more pleasant outcome?

The Importance of Recognizing Conflict

The title of this entry is "The Importance of Recognizing Conflict." It's probably not something that keeps you up at night. Frankly, I can't remember laying in bed thinking about how important it is; at least not until last night. Okay, not really. In reality, I believe that our ability to recognize conflict is one of the most key aspects to managing it. Here's why...

• Conflict is a natural consequence of being with people
  If you work with, live with, love, hate, in any kind of relationship with, anyone...there will be conflicts. You might think that you can avoid the conflicts by just being the most sweet, agreeable and lovable person ever. And that may prevent some confrontations, but it won't stop the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment. In other words, an unwillingness to recognize conflict won't keep it from existing.
• Conflict is neither good, nor bad
  I know that our society treats conflict as some kind of social ill. But the gut wrenching truth is that our failure to recognize and deal with conflict does much more damage in the long run. As I said earlier, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment don't just go away. Instead they build up, until eventually it does real harm. Real harm, like...

  • School and workplace shootings
  • Abused children and spouses
  • broken homes, marriages and people

  All because we've allowed ourselves to persuaded to believe that it is the conflict that is bad.

Recognizing conflict is important because until we can see the conflicts around us, and until we are willing to acknowledge that they are there, we cannot hope to to manage them successfully.

A brief note about this post...
The first time I started to write this entry, something didn't feel quite right. I knew the topic I wanted to cover, and I thought I knew what I wanted to say. But what I wrote seemed to stiff. So, I left it to sit overnight. This morning, I woke up knowing what was making me feel so uneasy... I've been writing these entries like I was lecturing to a class. I've been trying too hard. I've been so wrapped up in using just the right words, or formatting the text in just the right way, that I've left out my passion for helping people be better managers of conflict.

I've rewritten every aspect of this entry, except the title. I hope that in my desire to help you understand the idea of this entry, I've not alienated anyone by not "saying it just right". And with that, here we go...

Recognizing Conflict

In my first post, we looked at defining conflict. We explored the idea that conflict was not confined to the time when parties are in confrontation, and that it has often been occurring well before a crisis point is reached. If that is the case then why doesn't the encounter happen sooner?

There are two aspects to recognizing conflict. The first aspect is awareness. Simply put, we aren't always aware that we are in a conflict. Some people are more socially aware, and are naturally adept at spotting the conflicts that involve them. Others are not as aware and will not see the conflict until someone points it out to them.

The second aspect of recognizing conflict is admitting that it exists. Too many times, we will deny an issue exists, in the hope that we can avoid having a confrontation. We've all avoided someone because we didn't want to talk about a disagreement that exists. And most of us have "given in" to someone, just so we didn't have to speak up about our own ideas, thoughts, or beliefs. When we refuse to engage in confrontation, we are refusing to recognize the conflict.

So, how do we recognize conflict? For the first aspect, the answer lies in making sure that you are truly listening to what other people are saying. This doesn't mean that you become overly sensitive. It does mean that you use "active listening" techniques. For example...

• Put your cell phone down. Quit texting and looking at cat videos.
• Watch the person that is talking. What subtle cues might you pick up from their body language?
• Listen to the tone of their voice. How does the inflection of their voice change when they talk about certain topics?

As for the second aspect, the best thing you can do is to quit denying that conflict exists. Conflict that is denied often becomes a growing problem, not something that goes away.

Why is it important that we recognize conflict? That will be the topic of next week's post!